Poetic Anxiety

Chest tight
Overnight.
I brought this on myself.
Too busy for date time with the Lord.
Too full of thoughts and plans to listen.
What a mistake.
Thoughts and plans turned into worries and fears.
Busy turned into overwhelmed.
I am consumed with myself.
Overnight
Chest tight.

Providence Green

Welcome, July!

Free-spirited and sunny.

Your breath, a weightless sweater cuddling me.

Mr. Sun acts the gentleman, beckoning me to come out and play.

[July 1, 2011     Visiting Chris for his birthday.]

The Providence Grey

Grey fog outside
Seeps in through the windows.
Damp blanket
Cups her feet.

Cool breeze whispers
From her shoulder up her neck.
Chilling fingers
Creep into her soul.

[April 11, 2011 ~ sitting @ Chris' house while he was at work.]

I Have a Secret

“The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law.” Deuteronomy 29:29

“Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things. When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are mine. This, like all forms of worry, is an act of rebellion: doubting My promises to care for you.” Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young

Ah … but we want to know the future so badly. We wrap our lust for future insight neatly in a package called prophecy. We counsel our youth to plan for their future. We mentor our business understudies with a nifty little saying, “ When you fail to plan you plan to fail.”

Sometimes this obsession with a preview into upcoming events is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. The wolf of control.

Lifting your feet off the floor and allowing your total weight to rest in the hammock of God’s provision is difficult.

Why is it so hard to trust a God that loved us so much He allowed His only son to be brutally beaten, taken advantage of, dissed in every way we could possibly imagine? Yet we don’t trust the Father. I’m telling you, if someone did to my son a tenth of the stuff done to Jesus I would want to hurt them! Instead, God bled love for us through His overwhelming extension of Himself in Jesus.

So back to the trust question: Why is it so hard to trust Him?

I’ve been doing this Christianity thing long enough to know God is not limited like my earthly father. I know that even when things may not be going my way, they are going God’s way in my life. He weaves circumstances together into a beautiful quilt that’s incredibly gorgeous.

So why don’t I trust Him? Why don’t I let go and allow Him to orchestrate the events in my life?

“Whenever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and return to Me. I will show you the next step forward, and the one after that, and the one after that. Relax and enjoy the journey in My Presence.” Jesus Calling, Sarah Young

I don’t know anything else to do except to take life moment by moment, repent as the devotional recommends, let go of the wheel and allow God to steer.

I may explore this more in future musings. I would love to hear what you’ve discovered on the topic of trust…

Let’s Go Racin’ Boys

Daytona 500, the granddaddy of all races, is Sunday. My husband loves NASCAR. Listening to Larry prepare to attend the race with a buddy brought the following word pictures to mind as I contemplated my out-of-control thoughts.

Anxiety drafts off of fear. Side by side, worries trade paint, enhancing each other. Pushing, bumping, sometimes spinning out of control, one concern caroms off the wall into another, sending them down the embankment and across the infield.

Legendary NASCAR driver, and current TV announcer, Darrel Waltrip says, you’ve gotta slow down to go faster. Certain disciplines slow my mind’s speed, forcing the thoughts to fall behind the pace car of the Holy Spirit. The simple restraint of decaf instead of caffeinated helps me throttle down.

Journaling stream of consciousness empties the clutter of the high-speed thoughts jockeying for position. After spilling my mind for a few pages I’m better able to focus on His Word. When I read the verses aloud, my engine slows and my thoughts cruise along at the pace of a Sunday drive.

Working out aerobically gets my blood circulating so the mental pistons run freely. Then I can concentrate and digest a devotional. This pit stop refuels my brain with positive perspectives resulting in a smooth ride that day.

How do you keep your thoughts on track?

Tea Bag Time

My Canadian grandmother's china, handed down to me.

Why does tea taste so much better steeped for five to six minutes instead of nuked in the microwave? My mother informs me it’s because steeping is the proper way to prepare tea. She’s from Canada. She would know.Tea time is a regular meal up there.

Tea is more flavorful when allowed to seep out of the bag. Boiling water, gradually brought up to heat over the stove, instead of rushed in the microwave, brings out more mellow flavors from the tea bag.

A spiritual analogy is brewing in there somewhere.

Life has more flavorful depth when I savor certain moments. For example, spending time with my husband. We love to go to Starbucks or to a restaurant to just talk. We get away from the house, Larry’s office during the day, and focus on each other. This reduces the distractions and narrows the topic of focus to what the other person is saying. We taste more of the individual flavors of our relationship when we slow down to allow conversations to steep.

Talks with friends are sweeter over a cup of tea. Texting or e-mailing nukes the conversation instead of soaking in the relationship’s robust flavors.

Ah, I hear the tea-pot whistling. Time to pour the boiling water over the chai tea bag, releasing its spicy spikes that will tickle my tongue in about six minutes. The warm flavors are worth the wait.

Are your conversations with spouse or friends steeped or nuked?

Mom & Dad’s 50th

When I was a single mom, I intensely prayed during that certain part of a wedding ceremony, “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better and for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.” When Mom and Dad celebrated their 40th anniversary, they renewed their vows. When the ceremony reached those stressful lines, I relaxed. No sweat. They’ve been there, done that already. They’ll be fine.

Yesterday my brother and I threw a 50th Anniversary party for our parents. With the help of our spouses, children, and several friends we celebrated in a way that filled me with bubbling laughter. What a fun night.

My son, flown in from Providence as a surprise, arrived at Mom and Dad’s door at 4:15 p.m. to chauffeur them to the party. Mom just stood speechless for the first twenty seconds trying to wrap her mind around the fact that her grandson, dressed in his chef’s coat, was her driver. Her little dog Missy was jumping all over Chris’ legs. Dad decided he should emerge from the TV room to discover the cause for all the clatter. Hey, that’s Chris!

The rest of the family heard the story when Mom and Dad finally arrived at my brother’s house, guests filling the family room and patio dressed for a night of dinner and dancing. I love it when a plan comes together. Mom and Dad were pleasantly surprised. Mission accomplished.

A friend from church catered the buffet dinner. Chris exercised his culinary education with a dish of grilled anise, onions, and peppers. Dessert offered a choice of butter cake with cheek-puckering lemon curd filling, butter cake with raspberry filling, or chocolate cake with rich, mouth-watering chocolate icing. A colleague created these delicacies, as delicious to the eyes as to the mouth. Have I only described my son’s dish and the dessert? My favorite parts of the meal.

We finished the evening dancing to a great mix of 50’s dance tunes, carefully collected by my sister-in-law. Friends from Jacksonville and Orlando gathered in the family room to swing and twirl the night away.

Months of planning culminated in laughter and sharing among friends and family. A memory for a lifetime.

The unchurch generation…

Have you noticed how many people are doing church differently these days? There are websites specifically for people who don’t go to church. There are gatherings of people who want to be the church instead of going to church.

What does all this mean?

Have our churches lost their effectiveness?

Why do so many people not want to go to church?

I think if we focus on reaching out to people and helping or giving to them, we will start experiencing the fullness and high of being fully engaged with Christ. That’s what the unchurch generation is seeking: tangible engagement with a real Christ. When we are actually His hands and feet on earth…walking across the street to our neighbor…need me to pick up some groceries for you because you are sick right now? Talking to the servers at Barnie’s about more than just the coffee and tea we just ordered. Where do you go to school? What are you studying? What subjects do you like best? Giving them a great tip for their service, looking them in the eye, and sincerely saying, Thank you.

The real trick is going back to that same Barnie’s and talking to, and listening to those same people, week after week.

It takes time, Wendy, to establish relationships. Give it time.

Engage in people’s lives today. Stay alert. The opportunities are there. Be ready. Be real.

Life after death

Is there life after death?
Are you SURE?
What if you’re wrong?

You know, when someone close to you passes from this earth, you always think about those questions…even if just for a brief moment.

The real question that haunts you is this: what will it be like after we die?

As much as we read what the Bible says about it or what some book says about someone who’s spent several minutes there, we still wonder, deep in the dark corners of our mind, where we rarely invite anyone else to go, Is there REALLY a heaven? And is it really a place where I want to go?

My aunt passed away this past Saturday morning. She said to me, a few months ago, that she wanted to go to a better place if this surgery didn’t make her better. I pray, dear Jesus, that she is there now.

Lord, I can’t imagine life without you. Amidst any questions or curiosities about life after this earth experience, I thank you that I believe I will be with You and that You love me.